Watashi Wa Sora O Miageru
by akanikunimitsu
Summary: They are King Rikkai, heartless in the court; but the truth is, they are just human. And when they look up to the clouds above, just what do they see? Who do they remember? What do they feel? What do they hear? Why do they cry? ONESHOT COLLECTION. *Yukimura *Sanada *Yanagi *Kirihara
1. Yukimura's Garden

私は空を見上げ Chapter 1: Yukimura's Garden

DISCLAIMER: Rikkai, nor any of the PoT Characters used in this Collection are mine, copyright belong to Konomi-sensei.

-oOo-

How lovely is a garden? One that does bring forth blooms of different colors. One that fragrantly grant sweet scented ecstasy.

How lovely is a garden? One that makes you savour each breathe you take. One that tingles your sensation to the brink of insanity, it pushes your imagination to the world of pure satisfaction.

Do the birds sing solely for the pleasure of another's calling? Do they not fill the day with such harmonious voices also to spring forth the beating of two hearts bound by such unfounded springing reasons such as one called love? Like a flightless pigeon, I straddle along wires of uncertainty, waiting to hear the melody of birds singing on a spring morning. Like the spring past, that had faded into the oblivion of yesterday, like the return of a migrant bird to its nesting place. I long for home.

Blue is the color of my hair, but bluer at the deepness of your eyes. Eyes that stare like petals of the loveliest bloom, collaborating, clustered in gentle embrace, filled with beauty and awe. Gentle are the gaze that you gave me, each time our eyes met, I lost my weariness; like dandelions flying in the wind. Tears are like the rain, it washes away the pain, it nourishes the garden, to moisten the soft petals. So it will not wither, so it will not cease to be beautiful. Like the beauty of you face that haunts my evenings with sheer serenity. Like an angel watching me from the heavenly.

Soft is my voice, but softer was your hands, bruised by passion to bring forth bloom to this Eden. Candle shaped fingers that caressed my face, like the gentle leaves touching my skin on an afternoon in autumn. You complexion like the colors that marks the beginning of the blowing of freezing wind. Yet when our hands are clasped together, our fingers interlaced, not even the contemptuous loneliness of death could break the bond that we share.

Feminine is my physique, but more feminine are you lips that paints my exhaustion to nothing but a memory of hard work. Such kind words, such a warming smile, like the summer's heat, scorching through my soul, eating up every last piece of disdain. Like water flowing freely from a river of life which quenches the thirst of young roots, searching the ground for feeding, to sustain the rest of the plant a means of survival; so was your silent cheers, though unheard was the adrenaline which sustained my veins.

How lovely is a garden? One which waste away to the winter snow, only to spring back to life. One which hibernates to rest, yet never completely lifeless.

"_Seiichi, today is the Finals for the National Tournament right?"_

"_Hai."_

"_Gomennasai if I can't come to watch you play."_

"_It's okay; I know you have a lot of things to work on. I understand perfectly."_

"_You're always so kind to me."_

"_Hey, look at me."_

"_Nande?"_

"_When all these is over, we'll have a proper love story, iiyo?"_

"_I've never had the perfect story in my life."_

"_We'll make one, just you and me, here, in our own little garden."_

If a pot held soil, and you planted a seed in it, how long will it hold it in? When do you know if the plant has grown enough? When do you know when its suffocating? What marks the difference between a seedling, a sprout and an actual plant? I held you in my hands like a gardener gently lifts a seedling from the plot; I ploughed the bitterness of life until I could find the bearing soil of hope, like a farmer tilts his land to casts seeds. I watered you with sustenance, in the hope that you would find a dream worth turning into reality.

"_Seiichi, why does she always have those bruises?"_

"_She has a difficult life Renji."_

"_She lives with her father right?"_

"_Does a father give life or death? Does a father suffer for his children, or does he asks his children to suffer for him? Does a father build or destroy? What is a father Renji?"  
_

"_You know the answer to your own question, Seiichi."_

"_I will be her father, her brother, her friend, her lover—I will be everything that she needs Renji. I will be everything she asks me to."_

When you cut a tree down you see the lines of age and you will know how long that proud tree had stood there in its place before you inordinately took its life. The more circles and lines and markings you see, the older the tree. Will the lines in a man's face count the years of his existence? When even the young can parade with wrinkles from holding on such secrets that you would never thought a youngster would have.

Does a garden loose it's beauty in the night? When no light shines and the sun is resting on the other side of the planet, does the life of a garden cease? Does the stars decline the flowers their beauty? Will a paradise cease to be a paradise if it is hidden?

"_Yukimura-kun, you shouldn't go up there."_

"_Sensei, what's going on in the rooftop garden? Why are there so many people gathering in the stairway?"_

"_Sanada-kun, please take Yukimura-kun someplace else."_

"_Sensei, what's going on?"_

Will a plant die, just because it's pot got broken? Will a vine stop crawling, just because blunt sheers were used to prune it? Will a flower loose it's dainty, just because it was cut from its stalk?

"_Did you see the newspaper headline this morning Niou-kun?"_

"_Are you kidding me Yagyuu? Jackal, Marui and I spent the good half of this morning collecting any possible newspaper that Yukimura might come across walking to school today. Like it wasn't enough that we lost in the Nationals, now this."_

"_Kirihara-kun daijabou desu ka?"_

"_I can't believe something like this could happen here in our school Yagyuu-senpai."_

"_She must have been really disturbed by something, or a couple of things to have done such a thing."_

"_Honestly, I think I could have lived with the headline that say 'Rikkai Dai Fuzoku Middle School Men's Tennis Club Looses to Seigaku in National Tournament' than this."_

"_I would have to agree with Niou-kun on this."_

"_Stop staring at that paper Akaya! You'll only feel worse."_

"_Niou-senpai is right, that headline is better than 'Rikkai Dai Fuzoko Middle School Senior Found Dead on Rooftop Garden'."_

"_Give me that!"_

"_Where are you taking that Marui?"_

"_I'm burning it!"_

Do plants feel cold during winter? How do they know when Spring has come? Why do flowers have different colors? If flowers comes from buds, where do leaves come from? Does a leaf feel pain when it falls off the trees in Autumn? Do plants feel scorched in the summer sun? Why do people feel cold even with layers of clothes on? What is the miracle of new birth? Why are there so many races? What heat drives a person to the limit?

"Yukimura."

"Sanada."

"Why are you up here again?"

"I'm in-charge of the rooftop garden remember?"

"Your graduating today."

"Sou dane. Then someone else will take care of this place after me."

"Why do you make yourself suffer by going up here?"

"I do not make myself suffer Sanada."

"This is where she died."

"Iie, this is where she took her own life."

"Yukimura."

"Her father abused her you know? He would beat her up, scream at her in public, he would not leave her food; he would scornfully withhold financial support when she really needs it. He never was a father to her."

"Yukimura, stop lingering in those thoughts."

"I tended her wounds and bruises with medicinal plants grown in this garden Sanada."

"Maybe there were deeper wounds that those that you tended to. Wounds you couldn't see. Wounds you couldn't reach."

"I promised her, after the Nationals, after all those things that I kept myself busy with was over, we would have a proper love story."

"What could you have done, you're fourteen?"

"I could have done plenty Sanada."

"Yamero."

"Do you know why I keep coming back here Sanada?"

"Stop punishing yourself Yukimura. You didn't know she was going to do that. You were doing your job as buchou, you we're facing Echizen in the court when it happened. It was not your fault."

"Do you know why I keep coming back Sanada?"

"Fine. Nande?"

"Because despite the fact that this is where her life ended, this was also where she lived. I saw the joy in her eyes when she tends to this garden. Because despite the bitterness of a horrible episode in this place, this was where I learned the sweetness on loving someone, more than I have ever loved anyone. Because despite the fact the she showered this blooms with her own blood, this was also where our friendship blossomed into love."

"Yukimura."

"Because, Sanada, despite the fact that this is where she died—this is also the place where I can keep her alive—in my memories—in my heart."

"Yukimura."

"So, no matter what you say Sanada, no matter what anyone says. Even if the world thinks I'm crazy. I'm going to keep coming back here. If only to be with her, for just one more second."

You never said goodbye.

I never thought you'd leave me alone.

I am Yukimura Seiichi, and when I look up the sky, I see a garden, sown with love, watered by tears, fertilized by memories, pruned by time.

**-oOo-**

AN: This is Yukimura, talking to himself. Those in "" are conversations, those in italic are memories, those are in regular font are present day conversation.

**So I wanted to wait until I've completed SINK Series for Hyotei and Seigaku before starting on Rikkai, given that I still had other on-going fics, but this plot for Yukimura just won't get out if my head, so I finally gave in and wrote it. Plus, there were a few comments from the SINK Series that requested a version for Rikkaidai, so here it is, the first instalment of the "I Look Up The Sky" Series for Rikkai.**

**Oh, and again, I used a different writing style for this one compared to the other series.**

Watashi Wa Sora O Miageru = When I Look Up The Sky


	2. Sanada's Window

私は空を見上げChapter 2: Sanada's Window

STADARD DISCLAIMER APPLIES

Credits to LinneaFarhenn for the original idea of Sanada's love interest.

This is set in Sanada's first year of Senior High in Rikkai.

-oOo-

I hate winter mornings. Fall and winter mornings to be exact. Let's include late nights in those seasons as well. My knees keep hurting. It's been this way since my match with Tezuka in the Nationals. I must admit, I overdid it back then. If Yukimura didn't force me to stop my outright challenge to Tezuka I would have destroyed my knees for sure. Now I understand what Tezuka was talking about during our short chats when we go camping with our Ojii-sans. About taking one for the team, and why he was perpetually injured.

I've always believed in strict discipline, in using brutal force and training to get my team on its feet. Yes Yukimura is still the buchou, but they were my team too. And as much as I enjoy winning on my own, the collaborative effort of these people helps me to fight on and go for victory. After all, besides Hyotei, we are the only team that is still complete to now. I must also admit, having some of the good players from rival school transferring to other schools and Tezuka leaving for Germany made a difference; admittedly the high school tennis scene was just not the same as in middle school.

It was rehab day, and I've packed my bags last night, but being me, I just needed to double check it again. Make sure I had everything in place, and everything I needed for the day was there.

I've never been interested in people much, not unless they have this extra ordinary talent for tennis, then I have no other reason to be interested in them. I have no interest in people outside the world of tennis, especially people who are not men. You know what I mean.

"_How long do you plan on being cold and cynical Sanada?"_

"_I'm not cold and cynical."_

"_You're not, if the topic is tennis. But when it's love—."_

"_Aw sheesh! Here we go again!"_

"_Come on Sanada, at least open yourself to the possibility of actually being in in-love."_

"_The possibility is zero Yukimura."_

"_One day, you'll find someone, and you won't be able to stop yourself from saying that you've found love."_

I always hated it when Yukimura talks about love. Even now, after what happened during our senior year in middle school, even if he keeps going back to the place where it happened; Yukimura still keeps talking about love. It was just crazy. It's like he's turned into this masochist who just wants to be hurt repeatedly. I think its insanity, but until I figure out a way to convince him of such, I'm just going to have to live with the fact that my best friend will have this insanity attacks every now and then. And I have to make sure he doesn't end up like his girlfriend, her soul rest in peace.

The rehab place was like a haven for me. It's a place where I can think, it's a place where I don't have to worry about the team, or my academics, or my crazy love sick puppy of a best friend who still hasn't gotten over her girlfriend's death. It's a place where I can focus on myself and fully recovering from my knee injury; so Akaya would stop bugging me about how 'Sanada-fukubuchou had gotten soft'; I want to recover fast, so I can crush that midget to pulp. Just because he's now the Middle School Tennis Club Buchou doesn't mean he can talk to me that way. I'm sure Yukimura and I will be Buchou and Fukubuchou again, we are after all ichnen High School students now, we can't expect to be placed on top of the food chain instantly.

"_Moshi-moshi."_

"_Hai, Sanada desu."_

"_Sanada, been a while. Is something wrong?"_

"_Why does something have to be wrong for me to call you?"_

"_Gomen, it's just, I'm not used to getting phone calls from you. E-mails maybe, but not phone calls."_

"_I can't seem to figure out that e-mail thing, if Yuimura's not around I have a difficult time using it."_

"_And Yukimura's not with you today?"_

"_Hai, how did you know?"_

"_Because you called me."_

"_Tezuka!"_

"_Gomen, gomen."_

"_Anyway, I just wanted to confirm the rumours."_

"_What rumours?"_

"_About you and this foreign girl, I heard it's been going on since senior year."_

"_You called me in Germany to ask me if I really have a girl friend? Sanada, are you sick? Have you seen a doctor?"_

"_Don't make this difficult for me Tezuka!"_

"_Why the sudden interest in my love life?"_

"_I lost a bet."_

"_Pardon me."_

"_I lost a bet to Yanagi and Yukimura; they made me bet that Marui would chicken out confessing to this girl before we graduated middle school."_

"_And he didn't chicken out."_

"_Hai. So as punishment they said I was task to confirm the rumours about you."_

"_Eto, not very like you to accept defeat this way."_

"_Will you just answer the question Tezuka!"_

"_Hai. It's true, her name's Amani."_

I hated the fact that Tezuka was in love. I thought if there was someone who would be sane enough to talk to about these things, it would be him. He was focused and dedicated to tennis as much as I was. Well, maybe he and Yukimura were more alike than I thought. He even went to the trouble of having a long distance relationship with a foreign lady, Asian, but still foreign.

I think I have established the fact that the people around me are all insane, insanely in-love that is. And all the mushy feelings surrounding me just suffocates me.

So, like I said earlier, I like the rehab place, because I don't have to think about them, or their love-sickness. I can focus on myself. I like my therapist, he's focused, like me. He pushes me, and challenges me. And he is not love sick like the other people in my life. Well, he did have a girl friend, but at least he doesn't talk about her twenty-four-seven. He talks about recovery, and getting back to shape a hundred percent. We talk about tennis, and basketball, and any other sport we can think of. Never about girls. That's why I like my therapist.

I like the rehab place, because the stronger clients who were in the more advance stages of recovery were in a separate section from the other more sickly clients; not that I mind being with them or anything; but I like how I see people being progressed from one room to another.

There was this glass window that separates each section of the rehab place, one window that I looked through were cubicles with beds, probably for patients who needed to lie down, or those that could not tolerate sitting or standing. The other window I looked through were bars and wheels and stairs, for clients who were recovered enough to learn to walk again, stand again, those who used to just lie around the rehab place were now learning to take the world on their own again. Then there was the window to the place where I was treated, where the more recovered clients would just need strengthening and proprioceptive training, those of us who didn't need crutches or canes or wheelchairs. I loved those windows, because when I look through them, I see hope, I see progress, I see how people who fell down, rise again from the ashes.

I love the rehab place, because it was a place of hope and second chances.

In the short time that I spent in this rehab place, one particular person caught my attention. I will admit she is a girl. But she didn't catch my attention because of the fact that she was a girl. I think I've established the fact that girls in particular do not interest me, in the least bit. She was different from all the clients in the rehab place. I've always seen people progress from one window to the other, except her. The first time I saw her in the rehab place, she was being assisted by her parents to walk-in. I use to see her through the second window, where the bars and wheels and stairs were. She had a strange way of walking, limping, but she seemed perfectly healthy other than that. I thought maybe she got into an accident that caused the limp. I shrugged it off and focused on the strengthening.

Next I saw her come in using walkers, her parents still beside her, ready to catch her if she falls. I still saw her through the second window. The limp had gotten worse. It felt strange to see her be getting worse when everyone around her seem to be getting better, myself included.

Next I saw her come in, in a wheelchair, her parents pushing her. That was the first time I saw her in the first window, where the cubicles and beds were. I found it stranger that she was being demoted than promoted. I thought, maybe her therapist was not as good as mine for her to be experiencing what she was going through; but then my therapist told me that her therapist was the best that they had. The top cat of the bunch. Then why was she not improving?

Over the months I saw her coming in on her wheelchair, sometimes using her walker, then her wheelchair, then her walker. I saw her in the first window, then back to the second window, then back to the first window, then back to the second window. But I never saw her the same room as me. And somehow, it bothered me.

"_Renji, can I ask you something?"_

"_Hai."_

"_Do you think it's possible for someone to be improving then deteriorate, then improve, then deteriorate again?"_

"_Are we talking about tennis?"_

"_Iie, iie, there's this girl in the rehab place-."_

"_A girl?"_

"_It's not what you're thinking."_

"_What am I thinking?"_

"_Yanagi, tarundorou!"_

"_Iiyo, iiyo, gomen. You were saying."_

"_There's this girl in the rehab place who seem to be going back and forth from improving and deteriorating. And I can't seem to figure it out."_

"_And this bothers you, because?"_

"_Because everyone around her were improving."_

"_There are some illnesses that could cause that, I think, but I'm not sure, why not talk to Yagyuu, his father is a doctor, maybe he knows the answer to your question. Or better yet, why not ask your therapist about it instead."_

Yanagi maybe the data man in tennis, but somehow, in other aspects of life, he's useless to my inquiries. No offense to him, we're really close friends and all that, but sometimes, Yagyuu makes more sense. But he was right, I should ask someone more knowledgeable about my inquiry. So I did, I asked my therapist about her condition, that was when I found out she had a condition affecting her nerves and the central nervous system, it was a progressive paralysis that debilitated her. I learned that it was a remitting and relapsing disease, she was weak when she had her attacks, and she was stronger when she didn't. I understood why she kept going back from window one to window two and back.

Her condition sparked an interest in my mind, or so I thought.

The rehab place was having an event in celebration of the International Disability Week, my therapist says it's to inform people and to empower debilitated individuals. I was hesitant to attend, I wasn't actually debilitated or anything, just a little pain in my knees every now and then, but I could still play tennis, and I was still good at it. But curiosity killed the cat they say, and my curiosity killed me as well. So I came. And that was the first time I saw her up close. She was beautiful. Breathe takingly beautiful. Her long shinny black hair extended to about her waist, her hazel-brown orbs were more round than almond shaped, her nose was perfectly chiselled, and her lips were pale pink, she always had a smile on her face despite her condition.

My curiosity led me to walk up to her, my intentions were to find out more about this peculiar paralyzing condition she had, I knew Yukimura had one back in middle school, but a surgery cured him. I wondered why her condition couldn't be cured by one. She was very accommodating and friendly, she always smiled and had a gentle voice. Even Yukimura's creepy cheerfulness outside the tennis court could not compare to hers. Not that she was creepy. It's just, I was not used to such a jolly personality, especially one coming from a debilitated person who to me seemed to carry the burden of the world on her shoulder. How she does it, I can only speculate on.

I like the rehab place even more now. When I look through the windows of the rehab place, no matter which window I see her in, I always see her smiling at me, I always see her hopeful.

I like the rehab place even more now. Because when we move pass those windows, I don't just get to see her smile, I get to talk to her, I get to push her around on her wheelchair to see the gardens outside. I get to hear her insights about things that bother me. I hear her ideas and suddenly I find hope in the most hopeless situations. It seemed odd at times, when I was healthier, I was stronger, and had more to look forward to in life, yet she was the one talking about positive things.

I like the rehab place even more now. Because windows were just windows to me before I came here. Now windows were hopeful things to me. Because through these windows I saw people who fell rise up again from the ashes.

It's been months that I kept coming back to this place, and each time I do I see her from the other side of the window. But today she was not there. They said she had a really bad remission and had to be taken to the hospital to recover. I shrugged it off, thinking the next time I come in she'll be there. But she never came. They said her condition was getting worse and that she was still in the hospital. So I decided to come visit her there.

I hate hospitals. Hospitals keep reminding me of Yukimura, and how I almost lost my best friend. I like the rehab place better.

I asked the lady in the information counter where her room was and she directed me to it. When I finally reached her floor I saw her parents outside her room, they were hugging each other, her mother was crying. There was chaos everywhere, doctors and nurses running in and out of her room. I looked through the window of her room and a lot of people were swarming around her bed, they were doing chest compression and pushing things through her IV line, there was a tube stuck in her mouth and everyone was just chaotic.

When the chaos was over, they said the paralysis had reached her chest muscles and that she had a cardiac arrest. They said it was not uncommon for people who had her condition to have one, because the nerves that supplied her heart were also affected, or something to that extent. I didn't quite understand what they were saying. But I did understand that she was gone.

I stood outside her room, staring at her from the window as they covered her body with white linen; and I felt numb, paralyzed even, like all the colors of the world disappeared.

Today I came to rehab, and they said I was being discharged from the program. I was well enough, and that I was being given a personal trainer who would continue the program during tennis practice. So today was my last day in the rehab place. I looked through the windows of the rehab place one last time. I saw a boy from the second window got promoted to the room where I was in; and I saw the Obaa-san from the first window promoted to the second window, she was learning to stand on her own again. And there was a new girl in the first window who came in on a wheelchair.

I like the rehab place, I like those windows. This is a place where I find hope. This is a place where I see people who fell down rise up again.

I stepped out of the rehab place for the last time today. From outside I look through the window and see people inside laughing and smiling, I see people full of hope and dreams.

Now that I've been discharged, I like the rehab place even more. Because this was where I found hope. This was where I understood why Yukimura kept coming back to the rooftop garden. This was where I understood why Tezuka keeps fighting for her girlfriend even if there were oceans apart. I like the rehab place even more now, because this is where I understood, love was not such a silly thing after all; this was where I realized, love was not insanity. So I look at the windows of the rehab place one last time, because like so many who came and gone from this place, I was someone who fell and rose up again.

I am Sanada Genechiro, and when I look up the sky, I see my first love, smiling at me from the windows of heaven.

**-oOo-**

**I modified the original plot suggested by Linnea, but the essence is still there. Didn't make the "Sanada in-love" part too mushy, I just feel like it wasn't very Sanada-ish if it was too mushy. =) Hope you readers liked this chapter.**

**For those of you wondering who Amani is, it's the OC love interest of Tezuka from my other story When Worlds Collide. And Yukimura's dead girl friend here is the same girl that I used in Chapter 1.**


	3. Yanagi's Seashore

私は空を見上げChapter 3: Yanagi's Seashore

STANDARD DISCLAIMER APPLIES

Set during Yanagi's summer break, first year of Senior High in Rikkai.

-oOo-

Have you ever stood at the seashore and just closed your eyes to feel the waves of the ocean crashing into the yielding sand of the shore? Or gave you ever buried your toes in the sand that you feel so cold despite the scorching heat of the sun? Have you ever tried lifting your face to the open sky and just watched sea gulls flying above? How about running around in the sand that you eventually get sand in your shirt and underpants, but it never really bothered you because your heart felt merry and light?

I use to know how that felt.

They say I was the strategist; I had a plan for everything, because I studied the circumstances and was able to project the outcome of an event. Maybe it was pure science, or maybe even just a hint of luck? Frankly, right now, I don't know. What has pushed me to question my own predictions?

I thought Sadaharu how to utilize data in tennis; we were best friends after all. And although the friendship had been scared, I believe it was still there. But where did all the data go? Was it this one thing that I couldn't predict? One battle I could not strategize on. One defeat that I could only bear, because there was no other way to do this, only the way it is right now.

The sea is so peaceful today, such gentle waves kiss the shore today; unlike my heart.

"_Shhh, be quiet Sadaharu, Renji might hear us."_

"_Renji heard. What are you two doing?"_

"_Betsuni."_

"_What are you two hiding behind you?"_

"_Renji why don't we buy some snow cones?"_

"_Sadaharu, you're stalling, what we're you two hiding?"_

"_Daijabou Sadaharu."_

"_E?"_

"_Are you sure?"_

"_Daijabou."_

"_So are you going to show me now?"_

"_Tanjoubi omedetou Renji!"_

"_E-e?"_

"_You couldn't wait a while longer until we finished it couldn't you?"_

"_I know it's just made of sand, but Sadaharu and I worked really hard to collect these shells to make your cake really nice Renji."_

"_Arigato."_

During the summer season, people flock to the beach to swim, or play in the sand, or just lie there and tan. This for people who have the luxury of having a beach to go to but growing up where we did, we never had that. And so we made the most of what ever chance we had to visit the beach, and we always made sure we went together. Together—it seems like a very lonely word now.

Can you count the number of grains of sand in a sea shore? I think I dreamed of being able to do that when I was younger. But thinking about it now, it was just impossible. Doesn't the number of grain change constantly, each time the ocean kissed the shore the number of grains change. I wish it was as easy as that to let go of something that you've treasured for so long.

"_Renji, why did you not say goodbye to Sadaharu?"_

"_I couldn't."_

"_Demo, Renji, aren't we best friends? Sadaharu was really sad when you left without saying goodbye."_

"_I know. Sadaharu and I, we'll meet again, somewhere. As long as we keep playing tennis, I know we'll meet again."_

"_What about me? You know I can't play tennis."_

Didn't they say that breathing in some fresh air, some ocean air, can make you healthy? Didn't they say the relaxing sounds of the sea side can calm a weary heart? Didn't they say that tears shed in the ocean can wash away the pain? Then why do I feel like I'm dying? Why am I suffocating? Why am I still hurting?

I use to be happier.

"_When we're older, I'll buy a parcel of land near the ocean, and I'll build a house for us."_

"_What about Sadaharu?"_

"_E?"_

"_What about Sadaharu?"_

"_Sadaharu?"_

"_Hai."_

"_Sadaharu—eto, he'll live in the light house nearby."_

"_The light house?"_

"_Hai. The light houses, so that he can always watch over us, keep us in line, sort of like a compass."_

"_Hmn."_

It was always the three of us, always the three of us. Like a clover held together at the stem, we were perfect that way. Maybe not considered a good luck charm, but perfect none the less. Because we had the ocean, we had the shore, and it was enough to fuel our dreams.

I still see your face in my dreams, I can still see your foot prints on the sand; I still feel your heart beating.

"_You overworked yourself again."_

"_Renji, hasashiburi."_

"_Sou dane. Has Sadaharu been taking good care of you?"_

"_Renji."_

"_Daijabou desu ka? What did you do this time? Ran around in the school yard again?"_

"_I miss you."_

"_I—I miss you too."_

"_Why didn't you come visit when Sadaharu was here?"_

"_Right now, maybe it was best that Sadaharu and I not meet. Daijabou, we'll meet again one day."_

"_Is it because you attend Rikkai Dai?"_

"_Nani? Of course not."_

"_We attend school from two different prefectures, at some point; you and Sadaharu will meet—in the tennis court—as rivals."_

"_Are you enjoying your schooling at Seigaku?"_

'_Hai. I may be the most benign student Seigaku has ever had, not attending any club activities, but the people in Seigaku are really nice, especially the Tennis Club guys."_

"_Sou dane."_

"_Sadaharu—ever since we went to Seigaku he's found new friends from the tennis club. I often see them walking home together, the six of them."_

"_Glad to hear that. Well, I shall be leaving now."_

"_Renji—do you like it in Rikkai Dai?"_

"_Why do you ask that?"_

"_If, just in case, you get lonely in Rikkai, Sadaharu and I, we'll be more than happy to welcome you to Seigaku."_

"_Daijabou. Take better care of yourself, iiyo?"_

I should be in summer practice; I should be swinging my racket right now. I should be discussing strategic plans with Genechiro right now. Maybe run a few training courses with Seiichi. Maybe come over and visit Akaya and the middle schooler training in the other campus. Tag along with Yagyuu and his dad in the hospital. Or observe Niou muster up some tricks and traps that he'd probably test on Marui; well, given that Marui was not crossing the country sweets shop hunting with Akutagawa-san. Should I have tagged along with Jackal and visit his home town in Brazil? I should have accepted Sadaharu's invitation to come with his family on that cruise. I don't think it's healthy for me to be around here.

The sea gull's bird sounds seem so distant. Like a memory that I could not hold in my hands.

"_Sa, now that you two have settled that, can we go eat?"_

"_Gomen, I need to go with the team and see how Yukimura's surgery turned out."_

"_It was wonderful playing tennis with you once again Renji, even if we were on opposite sides of the court."_

"_When will we see you again Renji?"_

"_Well, Sadaharu and I, we'll be meeting again in the Nationals, so."_

"_And how about me?"_

"_I'll come visit you some time, iiyo?"_

"_Can we go to the ocean again? All three of us, like when we were kids."_

"_Aa."_

When you dive into the ocean, you can see a totally different world, like the world above doesn't even exist. Under the ocean a life different from that which is on the surface exist. A world just like ours, with predators and preys, with beauty and darkness, but it was thriving with life. A life that some could only wish for, yet this fishes and marine life who swim today and becomes tomorrows dinner, live in it, like death was something that did not exist.

I want to live in that world—where death did not exist.

"_What are you saying?"_

"_It seems my condition has gotten worse."_

"_There are a lot of new advances right now and there had to be a way, right Sadaharu?"_

"_The doctor said my heart has grown very weak and I really need a transplant. It seems that is my only hope."_

"_So have you signed up for the donors list?"_

"_When we we're in primary school, I was told I may not live to see my eighteenth birthday."_

"_Don't say that."_

"_Now I'm fourteen, in a few more months I'll turn fifteen."_

"_Yamero."_

"_I saw my two best friends reunited by tennis, even as rivals—I'm happy."_

"_Please don't talk like you're actually dying. We'll find a donor, you'll get your new heart, and we'll build that house near the ocean."_

"_Ganbatte ne, both of you, ganbare in the Nationals."_

In tennis, a ball is hit with a racket, aiming for a potential space where the opponent cannot return it. But the ocean, no matter where it rushes, somehow, it always hits the shore. Like the waves where meant to meet the shore; like it was destiny.

What does destiny hold for me?

"_Renji."_

"_Omedetou Sadaharu, you won."_

"_I would say arigato, demo, Renji, her parents called."_

"_Doushita Sadaharu?"_

"_We need to go to the hospital, now."_

I wish it was summer eight years back, so I can hold your hand and run freely in the sand' so we can collect shells in dig around for crabs.

I wish it was summer six years back, so I can hold your hand and promise you that house near the ocean, near the light house, and we'd all be together, all three of us—happy.

I wish it was summer four years back, so I can hold your hand in the hospital bed and tell you to fight harder, to live a little longer.

I wish it was summer two years back, so I can hold your hand and told you the truth. The truth of how special you were, how amazingly beautiful my life was, with you in it.

I wish it was summer, a year ago—so I can hold your hand again, and give my own heart for you, just so you wouldn't die.

But today it was summer, but I stand here, and your hands are nowhere to be found.

"Yanagi-senpai."

"Akaya?"

"I knew you'd be here."

"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be facilitating the summer training for the middles schoolers? You are still their buchou you know, until you graduate that is still your responsibility."

"I had my fukubuchou run the show for me, just for today."

"You do know that if Genechiro ever hears of this he will probably slap you silly?"

"Hai, hai. Demo, he can't slap me silly until I join the senior high tennis club next year, so until then, I'll just enjoy what's left of my being the boss."

"Slacking off as usual."

"And what about you? Why are you not in summer practice?"

"I asked for the day off from our buchou."

"So you can come to this place huh?"

"Hmn."

"Ne, senpai."

"Doushita Akaya?"

"Hontou—Hontouni, Gomennasai."

"What are you saying?"

"I- I know why you're here."

"Really? Sa, why am I here Akaya?"

"Because of her. Your childhood best friend, the girl that was always walking around with Inui-san, you three were really good friends right?"

"Sou dane."

"And you loved her, didn't you senpai?"

"Akaya."

"Gomen, gomen that I killed the girl you loved."

"Akaya! Don't say those things."

"Demo, if I didn't hurt Inui-san badly during our match in the Nationals, he wouldn't have to have been rushed to the hospital—."

"Yamero Akaya."

"She would never have seen him so badly injured. She would never have had that heart attack—."

"I said yamero Akaya!"

"She would still be alive today."

"Akaya!"

"So please senpai, if you must punish me, do so, because I killed the girl that you loved."

The sound of the waves seemed to deafen me; the cool summer breeze seems to numb me; the warm sand seems to have frozen me.

"Akaya, you didn't kill her."

"E? Demo senpai—."

"She had a bad heart, ever since we were young. Even before the Nationals she was already hospitalized because her heart was failing. She needed a transplant, but no heart could be found. It was only a matter of time before she had left us. It was mere coincidence."

"Senpai."

"I was in the court with you that day Akaya. I had the capacity to stop you from doing anything against Sadaharu. It was just a game. But it was a game that cost me my heart."

"Yanagi-senpai."

"So you see Akaya, she was sick. Demo, if someone was to be blamed for her death, it should be me, not you."

Have you ever tried building castles in the sand, then watched as the waves crash your castle and wash it ashore? Have you ever reached for the sun only to blind you eyes? Have you ever just let yourself be washed by the waves? Have you ever seen the same grain of sand washed up by the ocean and returned to the exact same spot? Have you laid in the sand, and let the crashing waves drown your sorrows away?

I am Yanagi Renji, and when I look up the sky, I see the waves of clouds, crashing into the blue shores of the sky; and all I could do, is wish for the waves to wash away the pain in my heart.

**-oOo-**

**Thanks to everyone who have followed/favorite this fic, especially those who gave reviews. Much obliged minna-san.**


	4. Kirihara's Bridges

私は空を見上げChapter 3: Kirihara's Bridges

STANDARD DISCLAIMER APPLIES

**Set in Kirihara's Senior Year in Middle School (Which is also the same time as the other Rikkai Members First Year in Senior High), during the National tournament when he was buchou.**

**-oOo-**

I'm lost.

I was never particularly good at directions. Somehow, wherever I go, I always manage to get myself lost. People say I'm a simpleton, I easily believe things that people tell me, which is also one of the reasons why I always get lost, because people often give me the wrong directions. And it sucks to admit it, but, sometimes I wish all the people in the world were as nice as Yagyuu-senpai, as patient as Yanagi-senpai and as calm as Yukimura-buchou. My world has been a whirlwind since they graduated and I took over the tennis club, minus the fact that my fukubuchou is totally incompetent, unlike Sanada-fukubuchou who could run things even while Yukimura-buchou was away in the hospital. I was so used to having the senpai-tachi around, I always depended on them, even if Niou-senpai would play a few tricks here and there on me, it still mattered that they were there to keep me in line. But now, it's like I've lost my direction.

I did already say that I was bad with directions right? Well, I am, and landmarks did help a lot, especially big ones.

I never told anyone but I've always been afraid of crossing bridges, especially those that shake me to the very foundation. I would never admit it, but change scared me, because I was happy with how things were going on with my life, that the slightest movement frightened me.

There comes a time in one's life when you meet bridges. Most of which you must cross, some you can ignore, try and find a different direction to take you where you need to be. But some bridges were meant to be burned, to sever any connection that would link two worlds. Some bridges break, some bridges fall, some are shaken, and some survive the test of time. Some are built over water, some built over highways, but each built to join two places, to connect two souls.

"_Omedetou Kirihara-kun."_

"_Did you see how I won?"_

"_Hai, you were really good, and you were able to control your temper too. I've very proud of you Kirihara-kun, you'll definitely become a Rikkai Middle school tennis club regular."_

"_Stop calling me Kirihara-kun, call me Akaya from now on, iiyo?"_

"_Iiyo, Akaya."_

Tennis was my link to you, because you loved the sport as much as I did. Just as it was my bridge to the senpai-tachi, who have stood by me until now; especially now, now when I need something to hold this bridge of life up.

I admit, I was never good at relationships with other people, Marui-senpai and Jackal-senpai helped me to overcome that. Because I always felt that I needed to be alone, in order to be the best, I needed to be alone. Then, by the time, I realized that I needed you beside me, it was too late. And I feel like the pieces of my heart were spread apart and scattered all over Japan, each connecting bridge shattered that no one could ever collect the pieces to rebuild my brokenness.

I wish I could rewind the hands of time, so I can stop you from walking away. So I can realize earlier, that I could not stand-alone.

"_Kobe? Why do you have to move to Kobe?"_

"_Because my Dad is getting re-assigned, so we need to move with him there."_

"_Demo, I thought you were going to Rikkai Middle School with me?"_

"_I know, I wish I could Akaya, demo, I need to be with my family. Maybe I can come visit you on school holidays, or maybe you can come visit me instead?"_

It was too far, I always thought it was too far, because I always thought I would see you again, in high school maybe, or college, when we'll meet in Tokyo. Because you promised me, we'd go to the same University in Tokyo, take the same course, share the same life. But bridges were broken, and dreams will remain dreams; because my dreams have turned to nightmares.

"_How's Kobe?"_

"_Unbelievably warm."_

"_Hontou? Have you found new friends?"_

"_Hmn, and you? Did you get into the tennis club regulars?"_

"_Of course I did!"_

"_I knew you would. Omedetou Akaya!"_

"_Arigato."_

"_How about you, did you join the girl's tennis club in your new school?"_

"_Hmn, I did, but the tennis club in our school is not very popular, unlike the tennis clubs in Kanagawa."_

"_Then make it popular with your talent."_

"_Arigato for your confidence Akaya."_

I heard people say that bridges were architectural works of art, like a designer's pride or something. That those cables and wires and cement and metal all over were artistically masterpieces. Like I cared about art? All I know was, that bridges bring people closer to each other. Like trains would, in this time and age, I think bullet trains are the coolest, because they bring people closer, faster. Maybe if bridges move you forward while you drive on them I'd like bridges over trains, but until someone invents a bridge that takes you to your destination faster, I'm a train fan.

Truth is, there are some bridges that scare me, especially those that hang over large bodies of water. Because I keep having morbid thoughts of an earthquake striking and shaking the bridge to the core, and we'd fall into the water, get stuck in the car and drown. Silly as it may seem, I prefer staying in dry land, like those bridges that are built to connect mountains, at least if an earthquake strikes and the car falls over, I'd have a chance to jump, hang on a tree, or a vine or something. To sum it up, I think the survival of a bridge falling down over land was more than that over water.

"_Aren't you coming to visit me over the summer break?"_

"_We have tennis club activities over the summer."_

"_Demo, I wanted to show you the Akashi Kaiko Bridge, I was hoping to take you when the family goes to Awaji Island for a vacation."_

"_Gomen, but I'm going to be buchou next year, so it's really important to attend the training."_

"_I understand."_

I wish I had gone to see you, and that bridge you've been telling me about. Maybe if I had you wouldn't be so distant right now. Maybe if I had gone, you wouldn't have taken the chances you took, and you'd still be here. You'd still be my best friend that I can talk to.

I wish Yagyuu-senpai was here, because he always gave the soundest advice.

I wish Yanagi-senpai was here, because he would have calculated the odds and warned me to have come to you.

I wish Marui-senpai was here, so I can eat pastry with him and drown my sorrow in a sugar rush.

I wish Jackal-senpai was here, so I can tell him all about you, and he'd be so proud of me.

I wish Niou-senpai was here, because if he knew, he would have probably never let me live it up, then I would have realized that I loved you sooner.

I wish Yukimura-buchou was here, he would have told me directly, that what I was feeling for you was special and more than friendship.

I wish Sanada-fukubuchou was here, so he could make me run laps unending, so I can forget the pain.

"_Since you're not going, the family decided a ferry ride would be more exciting."_

"_A what?"_

"_Demo, you said you wanted to cross that bridge you were telling me about?"_

"_Hai, we'll be taking the bus back so I'll still be able to cross the longest bridge in the world."_

"_Aren't ferries dangerous?"_

"_Only when there's a storm. Come on, stop worrying, its summer and the forecast didn't say anything about a storm coming, so it'll be alright."_

You should have just taken the bridge, should have just come to visit, maybe if I did, you would have crossed the bridge. But I didn't. and now I suffer the consequences of my decision.

Bridges scare me. Because bridges meant that I was crossing over to somewhere new, it meant that I was leaving my comfort zone, the place where I know was safe, the place that I know to be a happy place. And I didn't want to go somewhere I was unsure of, I didn't want to leave a happy place. But some bridges were meant to be crossed, in order to move on, in order to survive.

"_Okaa-san, doushita?"_

"_Akaya."_

"_Otou-san?"_

"_Akaya, we received news about Aika and her family."_

"_They went on vacation to Awaji Island, they left yesterday, did they postpone the trip?"_

"_Iie, they went."_

"_Did they call you from Awaji Island?"_

"_Iie."_

"_Then what?"_

"_Akaya, the ferry they were riding sank."_

"_Nani?"_

"_Aika and her family, none of them survived."_

I felt like I was deaf, I couldn't hear a single word that anyone said to me at that time. It was bad enough that we lost in the Nationals, it was bad enough that Yukimura-buchou was suffering from a broken heart. It was bad enough that Yanagi-senpai lost the girl he loved for the longest time. It was bad enough that Sanada-fukubuchou needed to go to rehab for his injured knee. It was bad enough that Yagyuu-senpai decided he would quit tennis in high school. It was bad enough as it was. Did it have to be this bad? Did I have to realize that I loved you, too late that I could never tell you?

I'm lost.

I was never good at directions, but the senpai-tachi, they showed me the way.

I was afraid of bridges, because I liked where I was, and crossing bridges meant I would have to start over again.

As I stand here holding this racket, as I hit this ball, I realize, in tennis and in life, bridges take me where I need to go, where I need to be. Because I feared bridges, I missed the chance to save your life. And I was not wasting any more time, if I could save Rikkai, if I could win this game, then I'm crossing this bridge.

My name is Kirihara Akaya, and when I look up the sky, I see a bridge that connects our souls, a bridge that connects my heart in earth, to your heart in heaven.

**-oOo-**

**This is a short one. =) Hope you still liked it even if it was short.**

**The part about Yukimura, Sanada and Yanagi are in reference to the first three chapters, while the part about Yagyuu is in reference to Just One Smile and One Sweet Sigh.**

**As a trivia, the Akashi Kaikyo Bridge also known as the Pearl Bridge is the longest suspension bridge in the world and it connects the City of Kobe to Awaji Island. In 1955 two ferries sank in a storm killing 168 people which paved the way to the building of the bridge, construction began in 1988 that opened to public transport in 1998, ten years after. This chapter was in reference to that event.**


End file.
